


Nothing but his shadow

by captainhurricane



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: M/M, Sad Porn, major phantom pain spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 18:15:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4845455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainhurricane/pseuds/captainhurricane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaz gives up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing but his shadow

**Author's Note:**

> don't read if you haven't finished the game.

_How long are you going be here?_

 

Kaz doesn’t know. There are many things he’s uncertain of these days. He ignores Ocelot to the best of his abilities, ignores the sheer smugness radiating from the foe that was almost friend once upon a time.

Kaz doesn’t know. Big Boss’ betrayal burns his throat and stings beneath his eyelids but still he refuses to let go of the Diamond Dogs, oversees training and gives speeches their leader isn’t interested in giving. He talks strategies and plans with Snake even when merely looking at him makes Kaz ache. The pain is with him every waking second now, the phantom pain of his limbs and the absence of the man he had followed for years. The phantom can’t replace the original, after all. Even when the words Kaz had spoken to him during the incident with the disease had been true. Snake- this Snake, this one who was born someone else but had had his own identity choked out of him and stashed away for good- had done the right thing and put their comrades to rest.

 

Even then Kaz can’t look him in the eye. That face bothers him, identical to the real Big Boss but Snake’s silence is more calming, more reassuring. He has a good heart and Kaz hates him for it. Kaz wishes he was more like the real one, would spit blood on their enemies and never show mercy. But Snake won’t do it. Snake will continue to be clad in silence and let Kaz do the talking and hide everything that he feels under layers and layers of scars and a mind that’s sure to be a mess.

 

When Kaz had found out the truth, he had wondered if rage had started to bleed from his mouth along with his words. It hadn’t helped that Ocelot had been so infuriatingly calm, had known all along. Kaz wants them both dead, Big Boss for crushing everything he had left and Ocelot for stealing his place.

 

It was our dream, dammit, Kaz had gritted through clenched teeth and nearly spat on Ocelot’s face.

 

So Kaz wraps his anger around himself, tighter and tighter until it’s hard to breathe but it’s all he has. His revenge is done, one bullet for each missing limb but it didn’t drive away the phantom pain.

 

Kaz ignores that Snake tries, ignores the silent question or the gentle hand on his arm- never the prosthetic one, always the one that’s still flesh and blood- because this Snake is just a phantom and not the one to break his heart. 

”Kaz,” Snake speaks, in his voice, with his face. Kaz shakes.

”Don’t touch me.”

It’s only the two of them in Kaz’s office, Kaz is sitting and resting his tired, aching body. Snake is closeby, hand hovering close to his shoulder.

”Your anger isn’t towards me. So don’t direct it at me,” Snake says quietly, leans against the sturdy table. He has crossed his arms but his mouth has a twist that’s quite like pity.

 

”I’m tired,” Kaz says.

”Of me?” Snake murmurs, the tone quite like the one Kaz’s boss would use back in the day. The sunny Costa Rica seems like a childish daydream now.

”Of this!” Kaz explodes, gets up and nearly falls because his clumsy, creaky leg prosthetic isn’t used to such quick movements. Snake remains in the quiet, defensive stance.

”Of pretending I’m alright with any of this- I’m, I was proud of the word we were doing, I felt like I had gotten something I’ve lost back with the Diamond Dogs but now that I know the truth, it burns. It fucking hurts and it’s all your- his- fault!”

 

Snake listens, attentive and ever-silent. Kaz wavers, grimaces.

”You know how it feels to wait for someone for years and keep on hoping that they would return,” he says, looks away. His voice trembles and Snake still doesn’t say a word.

”And I was happy when you came back for me. This place is my home but he has soiled it, I can’t even walk around the base anymore without knowing it’s all a big fucking lie-!”

Snake has reached, has taken his face between his hands and forced him to look at him. Snake tucks off his glasses and puts them on the table.

 

”Kaz,” Snake says and Kaz shivers. His rage makes bile rise up to his throat but now that he blinks and looks straight at the phantom, he recognizes the same pain.

”We can still make the world better, Kaz.” The name rolls off Snake’s tongue like love. Kaz raises his hand and grasps Snake’s arm but doesn’t pull his hands away.

 

If only the real Big Boss was capable of such kindness- or kindness at all.

 

”Can we?” Kaz says, voice husky. He takes in that face, the scars, the shrapnel, the curl of his mouth that’s so alike to Big Boss and yet it’s not- perhaps a reminder of the man Snake was before the crash? Kaz remembers him, good, noble heart and perfectly willing to die for MSF. But he had faced something worse than death.

Snake frowns and nods.

”Yes.” His thumbs stroke Kaz’s cheeks. Kaz finds himself unable to keep a hold of his anger, bites his lip.

 

”For all his talk about stopping soldiers from being used as tools of war, he had no qualms against using me.” He watches Snake’s face. Snake watches him back.

”He has bigger plans than us,” Snake says.

”I don’t fucking buy it,” Kaz hisses and his eyes hurt, he squints, looks away.

”We’re all heading for peace in the end, aren’t we?” Snake says, reaches to remove Kaz’s beret. Kaz lets him.

 

”I don’t buy it,” Kaz says again but his treacherous heart beats faster. He knows it won’t be long until he departs, until he leaves the whispers of Outer Heaven behind himself. Leaves Snake and his fucked up legacy behind.

”We’re doing good work,” Snake continues, takes Kaz’s face between his hands even more firmly.

”What are you doing?” Kaz says, swallows. His clothes are too heavy and hot on him.

”He cares about you. So I care about you. I may be nothing but his shadow but I feel what he carries inside his heart,” Snake says.

 

”And I want to show you there’s no need for you to leave.” Kaz opens his mouth, perhaps to protest but closes it. Knows it shows in his face.

”This place isn’t my home anymore,” Kaz hisses but without much malice.

”I want to take you to bed,” Snake says then, words quiet and stern. His palm rests on Kaz’s chest.

 

Kaz swallows.

 

Who was the man that this Snake was before? And who is he now? He is Big Boss yet he is not.

”That’s not – you’re not-” Kaz starts, mouth dry. His balance is wavering so Snake slips an arm around his waist. Like he’s done many times before, had helped him off helicopters, had kept him standing when his grip on his cane had been too weak.

”I am his phantom, Kaz. I am not my own man. Yet this desire is mine and mine alone,” Snake murmurs.

 

When they kiss, it’s not without gentleness but also not without a pained grunt or two. Kaz is pushed against the table, urged to sit on it as not to put a strain on his prosthetic any more than necessary. When Big Boss is a beast, Snake is just a human. He keeps his hands on Kaz all the time, unbuttoning and unzipping, sighing when flesh and metal meet bare skin. Kaz wrenches his mouth free, pants. His hand has grasped Snake’s shoulder, curled so embarrassingly desperately around it.

”Wait-” he huffs, licks his lip. Snake watches him, quick fingers on Kaz’s belt. His jackets and shirt already hanging open.

 

”Kaz,” Snake says, husky and low. Needy. Kaz shrugs his jackets off his shoulders, bares himself to this man who has already seen the worst of him.

”Are you ashamed?” Kaz snarls, irritated, cheeks reddening.

”There’s nothing-”

”To be ashamed of,” Snake concludes his sentence, helping his trousers and boots off, leaving only his boxers. Snake is still mostly clothed himself, a fact that doesn’t escape Kaz’s notice. But what also doesn’t escape is the mouth that meets his once more, tongue pushing in for a deeper kiss. Kaz groans, hips twitching when Snake palms him through his boxers.

”Good, good,” Snake murmurs when he hardens. Kaz grasps the back of his head and keeps him there, their mouths in that kiss. To stifle all the words Snake wants to say to him.

 

It won’t do in the long run so Kaz sighs when Snake manouevers him on his back to the table. It’s bolted to the floor so it probably won’t move but Kaz would still prefer a bed. Although a bed would make this lovemaking instead of just sex. Because there is no going back, Snake kisses his mouth and then his chest, slithers lower and kisses his stomach. Kaz lets himself shiver and be touched.

”This- this doesn’t change anything-” after he had found out the truth, he had stopped calling Snake boss. Always just Snake, slipped from between his teeth like the falseness of it hurts him. Yet Snake is Snake, isn’t he? He’s a man in the shadows and he knows all the things Snakes know.

”I want to make love to you like he would,” Snake murmurs and Kaz has to bite back a whimper when his boxers are pulled away, his thighs parted. Snake’s mouth is warm and wet on him and Kaz throws his arm over his eyes. In the darkness, it’s easier to think it’s him.

 

Snake remains silent even in a situation like this, never stopping for air or for a quick remark, to give Kaz a compliment or encouragement. He sucks him off slowly, carefully, so skillfully Kaz’s mind barely registers the click of a cork. His mind decides to start playing his own hateful words from the other day in his head, his hand reaching for the head between his legs. If this man is Big Boss, then perhaps the world will be fine. Perhaps the real Big Boss will continue his descent into the Underworld and leave us in peace. Perhaps. Perhaps.

 

Kaz can’t hold back a groan when Snake starts fingering him, starts murmuring something warm and sweet against his cock, against his thighs. He doesn’t ask questions, but listens intently to Kaz’s reactions. His fingers travel on Kaz’s legs, brush at the edge where the prosthetic begins and the stump ends.

”Don’t-” Kaz breathes out.

”touch it.” Sometimes he still wakes up and thinks he has all his limbs. The sensation there one instant and gone the second is still too jarring.

”I am sorry,” Snake whispers and then straightens. He keeps on fingering Kaz, leans down to kiss his chest. Yet his other hand is doing something else- pulling out a hardened cock. Kaz kisses him and aches.

 

”I hate him so I hate you,” he says and knows it’s not fair but when has the world ever been fair? When has anything been fair to him? Snake doesn’t stop, merely nods.

”There’s a place for you in our heaven,” he says instead and doesn’t meet his eye. When he thrusts inside, he does it slow, like reminding Kaz that he doesn’t make the rules. That the world is and will always be ruled by a snake, the sinner, the singiver.

 

There was a time when Kaz would have followed Big Boss to the ends of the earth.

There was a time when Kaz’s heart beat only for him.

 

Snake pushes and pushes, Kaz gasps for air and doesn’t hold back the moan when it finally bursts out.

”You can-” Snake says, his hands keeping Kaz’s thighs parted. Kaz doesn’t look at him, hand on his face once more.

”-call me John.” Kaz’s eyes sting. He tells himself it’s just the light, too much for his eyes.

”You don’t- you’re not-” we’re demons, that’s what we are. Not people who deserve names. Not people who deserve to be loved. Snake thrusts again. Again. Kaz whimpers. Rough human fingers wrap around his cock, wet from spit or the bottle Snake had with him. Kaz doesn’t care. Kaz wants to feel more.

 

”Faster-” he doesn’t beg. He asks, hand reaching for Snake once more. Snake leans forward, presses his face against it. He doesn’t say a word but quickens his pace. He kisses Kaz’s palm and looks at him. Their gazes meet and Kaz’s heart, already broken, is pierced once more.

”Don’t,” he swallows, turns his head away.

”look at me.”

Snake pushes, takes it upon himself to bring Kaz to completion.

”If I had all the time in the world,” Snake grunts, pushes in, in, in. Kaz moans, breathless, wordless.

”I wouldn’t be so relentless. But time waits for no one.”

”Shut the fuck up,” Kaz hisses and covers his eyes once more with his arm. He hopes Snake doesn’t notice his tears, angry and bitter on his cheeks. Snake grunts again, strokes Kaz’s cock despite the angle probably being hell on his hand. His metal fingers, wrapped around Kaz’s ankle, have warmed up by the bodyheat.

 

It goes on, not hard enough, not quick enough but it brings them both over the edge anyway. Kaz tries to hold back his own until Snake has spilled inside him- why didn’t he wear a fucking condom- and then lets go, shivers and moans, letting out an open-mouthed gasp, a name that he refuses to say usually spilling out with such longing that it makes Snake dive down to kiss him over and over again.

”Kaz, Kaz,” Snake says and Kaz feels nauseous once the first waves of pleasure are gone.

”It’s fine,” Snake says and pulls out, his hand trailing over Kaz’s chest.

”Nothing is. Nothing will be.”

 

Kaz hides his face. Snake doesn’t force him to reveal it. Except Kaz much feels like all of him- literally and figuratively- have been revealed already.

 

”I am leaving,” Kaz says as Snake helps him clean up and dress up.

”Where?”

”Back to America.”

 

Away from you. Away from these dogs who don’t know if they fight for war or for peace. Away from the shadows Big Boss has cast on all of us.

”I will always be with you,” Snake murmurs, touches his cheek. Kaz withdraws. He remembers the funeral pyres and the ash and the words Snake had murmured for the fallen.

”I am not dead yet.”

”But we will all be,” Snake concludes and Kaz can’t listen to his sadness anymore. Sex throbs pleasantly in his groin and in his limbs but it can’t overcome the night that has settled on his life.


End file.
